Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I turned 28 yesterday. I never in a million years would have believed that I would have celebrated my 28th birthday and not be a mother too -- let alone have never been pregnant. In my plan, I was going to have my first at 26 followed by my second at 28. In fact, I started trying right before my 26th birthday. And if I could have looked into a crystal ball and seen me two years later -- right now -- and have seen all that I was going to go through, I wonder what I would have thought. That's why I'm glad I don't have a crystal ball. I think God gives me just enough light and strength to take my next step, because I couldn't have handled knowing what was in store all at once. Alas, I still have the hope inside that maybe, just maybe it'll be different next year.

Despite all this, it's really only a small part of who I am. Infertility is not my identity. I am so thankful for my 28 years and all that I have experienced and who I am today. I live a rich, full life with lots of love and laughter.

So, in light of my 28th birthday, I thought I'd list 28 things I am thankful for!

In no particular order:

1. A job I love
2. Living in the South
3. Autumn
4. My dogs and their unconditional love
5. A husband that loves me
6. A warm home
7. Being able to laugh with friends who "get it"
8. 2 paid for cars
9. Health
11.That life is characterized by seasons
12.My church
14.A faith that I can cling to
15.My siblings
16.7 years of marriage with no kids
17.The memories I have of traveling with my husband
18.The sunset on Anna Maria Island, FL
19.That there is always tomorrow
21.A comfy bed to lay my head down on each night
24.Peace in the midst of storms
25.Going to Disney
26.Josh's mom and dad
28.More hope

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Peace and Rest

My husband and I raised two orphaned baby squirrels until they were ready to go back out into nature last spring and recently he sent me this picture we took with the message, "This is what I want for you...peace and rest."

This is what I wish for all of us on this journey.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

My period started again on cd 18 of my cycle. That and the pain I had on my right side near my nearly overstimulated right ovary clued me in that I probably had another gigantic cyst. And I do. The best news? I paid for it! Ha! (Another lingering reminder of Follistim -- the gift that just keeps giving.)

Anyway, I had to go in for a cyst check today, and they found one indeed -- 4.5 cm on the right side. I hate that I know my body so well. I hate it. I feel so betrayed by it, yet I'm intensely attuned to it. As I walked out of the ultrasound room, the good old doc was standing there and said, "Hey, B!" Boy, it's sad that he knows my name that well.

He came in the room and was upbeat with my case today (Dr. Jekyll?), I think mainly because we weren't talking about me carrying a baby, but about getting pregnant. Those are two completely different things in his mind I think. I asked him if he had completely ruled out natural conception in my case, and he replied with a resounding "no". He explained there are some that he sees where the prognosis is not good but that he's never felt that way about me -- that it's just a lot tougher to get there. He's said the same thing before -- but only when we're talking conceiving. Whatever. I'll take it.

So, we have to check on the cyst next cycle. Hopefully by that time, I'll also be used to the glucophage. It's made me somewhat sick. "Let's only do glucophage for 6 months. We'll need to try something different if that doesn't work. We don't want to do gonadotrophins on you again though. We know that those are very powerful in you and dangerous too." Ya think?

And now I'll leave you with this...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown