Saturday, December 29, 2007


* Warning: Minor movie spoilers

We went to see the movie, "Juno" the other day. It was really good. It is the story of a teenage girl who gets pregnant and does the heroic thing of placing her baby for adoption. Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman play the adoptive parents. I found myself relating to Jennifer Garner's character so much.

I was reading another blog and she expressed this thought that I totally understood. When Juno meets Vanessa (JG) and Mark (JB), she tells Vanessa how lucky she is to not be pregnant after listing all the "ills" of being pregnant -- having to go to the bathroom all the time, etc. The quick shot to the look on Vanessa's face in return is one that only those who have been touched by infertility probably even noticed. She had a look on her face that I recognized -- a coy smirk, sad, and screaming of "what I wouldn't give," yet merciful too, realizing that like most people, she just didn't understand. It felt so good to identify with JG's character.

Later in the movie, Juno notices that Vanessa has purchased many baby things herself and wonders why she isn't having a baby shower. She'd been disappointed before. She is cautious. I know the feeling. With infertility in general, you just get used to -- and expect to be -- disappointed.

Toward the end of the movie, Juno narrates how she didn't want to see the baby and how the baby never felt like her and Paulie's (the birthfather). "He was always hers," she says. How unbelievably beautiful and unselfish. Well said.

"How do I look?" asks Vanessa to Juno's stepmom upon holding her son for the first time. "Like a new mom...scared sh**less."

And isn't this what THIS is all about anyway? Being a mom? Somehow, when I strip all the emotion and disappointment and doctor's visits and crud of this whole TTC journey away, it really just boils down to the fact that I just want to be someone's mommy. It really helped as we think about our options as we move forward.

In other news, I have to give it to the glucophage for being consistent. Ovulation on cd 17 once again, and a couple positive OPK's to boot. (That's right -- no Ovidrel!)

Go me.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry Christmas

Even though it's been the toughest year of my life, I rejoice in the birth of Jesus and that He is still the same...yesterday, today and forever.

You Are Still the Same -- The Clark Brothers

It's a crazy world we live in

There's a lot of sadness, lot of hurting too

But you are still the same God

You won't ever change God

And I don't have to cry a lot

Cause I know you love me

I don't need no diamond rings, fancy cars or shiny things

I just need to know you're near

I know, I know, you're here

Cause you are still the same God

You won't ever change God

And I don't have to cry alot

Cause I know you love me

(Watch this song performed)

From our little family to yours...Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 21, 2007

No Stranger

It's cycle day 12 today. I exciting! Not really. I have been enjoying my time in lala-I-don't-care-about-fertility-I'm-taking-a-break-land.

I went in to get the cyst checked on mid-cycle instead of at the beginning of the cycle to see if I happened to be developing a follicle too with the glucophage. You know, kill two birds with one stone, but really it was all about the cyst. It's so funny. They were on a mission to get out of that place. As soon as I opened the door, the receptionist said, "Rebecca is here." I was immediately whisked into the US room upon signing in. Gee, they acted like it was Christmas or something. ;-)

Amazingly, even though I've only been a stranger from the ultrasound magic wand for 6 weeks or so, I found myself in the changing room forgetting what I was supposed to do. You'd think after months and months of weekly and daily monitoring, I'd never forget anything about the process, but not to worry, I eventually remembered. "Empty bladder, undress waste down, wrap paper around body and hold tightly while shimmying to table, assume position, hear tech say "This is going to be cold." Right, I remember. It's just like riding a bike...

I do have two follicles on the right (1.7 and 1.2) and the cyst is gone! The nurse told me to monitor lh and so on -- the regular stuff. I gave them some Christmas cookies and was out of there.

I stopped by my OB/GYN's office on the way out and wished them a Merry Christmas. They are just the best. The receptionist there said they saw my RE the other day and asked him when he was going to get me pregnant. She was also the one who "rescued me" on the horrific Friday I found out about the UU. How sweet of them to still think of me. I haven't talked to them since August!

I got home and went back to work when the nurse called. Strange, I thought. Nothing to discuss and I knew they were trying to high tale it out of there. "B, I just talked to Dr. S and he wants you to use Ovidrel if you don't have an lh surge on your own. " O...kay. I didn't expect for him to want me to do that, so I was caught a bit off guard, but no big deal.

My lining is only 5.6, so I am a little concerned, but what can you do? I hope it will get better as the days go on.

Looking forward to the weekend, relaxing and having a break from work!

Monday, December 10, 2007


"The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."

I've always loved this quote by C. S. Lewis. I used to think of it in a backward, past tense, but it recently hit me that this can be thought of in a future tense too. The pain that I am experiencing now will be part of the happiness then because when I am finally holding my child, all the pain on the road to get me there will make my joy even deeper. It's all connected. That pain will be part of my happiness. It's strange to think about.

I've been pretty sad lately. Tears are at the surface pretty much all the time. I guess I'm starting to come to terms with everything and that's a very, very hard thing to do. How do you let go yet still hope? It's been a tough couple of years. Hoping and hurting again and again and again. Watching friends and family's dreams come true while letting go of my own.

I had my work Christmas party the other night and they went down the list of people that had gotten married, had babies or are pregnant in 2007 and congratulated them one by one. I sat very still, with this forced, fake smile on my face, blinking back tears knowing that if I moved one muscle on my face I was going to lose it and have to leave the room. I wonder why we don't have a category for those unsung heroes of the year who displayed courage, didn't give up, kept going, knew when to give up, got out of bed each morning despite stifling sadness, faced tremendous disappointment yet kept their faith and somehow managed to pick up the pieces and go on?

This time of year is so hard with so much focus on reflection, celebration and family. I guess I can celebrate the fact that I made it through, yes several thousand dollars poorer and battle scars to prove it, but I made it through stronger. Career still intact. Marriage still strong. Faith still intact.

I had a normal, 31 day cycle this month. Hey... now that's something to celebrate!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

One Nice Feeling

We are back from our vacation to Disney World. We had a wonderful time. We also visited my sister, brother-in-law and nephews. It was a joy spending time with them. There is nothing quite like the feeling of having a just bathed, newborn baby swaddled on your chest while rocking him to sleep, or hearing the sweet little voice of my other nephew calling for his dog, "Shel-she" or Shelby as her name is. :-)

We always have a blast at Disney, but it's always a little sad seeing all the parents with children enjoying the parks. It magnifies the pain. When we'd get our picture taken by the photographers, they'd ask, "Just you two?" "Yes, just us."

I seem to be used to the glucophage now which is good, (I think I actually ovulated on it, in fact) and am still feeling the painful cyst on my right ovary. I hope it goes away soon. I'll go in midcycle next cycle to get it checked on.

Our Christmas tree is up and we are enjoying watching cheesy ABC Family Channel Christmas movies and eating Williams-Sonoma Peppermint Bark. It doesn't get much better than that, folks. Has anyone seen Mimi Rogers in "The Christmas List"? It's the best!

It's good to be back!