Wednesday, June 27, 2007

My second IUI

So, I am shocked to report that I had my second IUI today on cd 12! It has been one crazy day. I took an OPK that was expired yesterday, so took another one yesterday afternoon. The line was so close, I couldn't call it. But, my body was showing all of the signs, so I took another one this morning. The lines were the same color. Panic. I called the office and they had me come in. We did any ultrasound and it appeared that I hadn't ovulated yet. Whew.

Right before I went to the doctor again, I tested my urine and the line was now darker than the control line. We had the IUI this afternoon. 49 million swimmers again and one nice follicle on the right side. He said my body was responding well to everything.

The doctor really thinks it going to happen one of these days, and that it's just a matter of time. That made me feel good. He even said while he was doing the IUI that "It's going to happen now or sometime in the future, but it's going to happen."

I asked him what was causing my infertility and he said it was both the PCOS and the UU. He said normally it would take a PCOS person 2 or 3 cycles to become pregnant with no other factors, but of course I have the UU, so it might take me longer.

He also explained to me about the whole left side, right side ovulation thing and said it didn't matter. He also said that an LH surge isn't like a light switch. It is something that surges over a period of time, so there's no way to pinpoint when the actual ovulation takes place. I guess that would explain why the line kept getting darker.

So, that was my fun for today!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

It's okay to say no

I attended a fabulous baby shower today for a friend who deserves one more than anyone. After years of struggling with infertility, she will adopt a baby girl that will be born in a few weeks. I couldn't be more than thrilled for her.

I live in the South, and a southern baby shower it indeed was. I don't know how many of you are familiar with the way showers and the like are thrown in the South, but they are nothing short of all that is southern charm and hospitality! They pulled out the china, silver, lemonade and even the cake with the baby's monogram on top and all the ladies were dressed to the nines. Very classy.

After the shower, my husband suggested I swing by the hospital to visit a friend of ours who gave birth this morning. "Okay", I said. I started having second thoughts at the shower, but wanted to be a good friend and not look bad, so I sucked it up and went. It was a huge mistake. As I walked into the building, I saw moms being wheeled out with baby and dad helping her into the car. Ouch. Then, once through the doors, pregnant women and once I got to the floor where my friend was, signs of "It's a Boy!" and "It's a Girl!" as far as the eye could see. Gulp. I knocked on the door and walked in to see my friend with her baby boy snuggled at her breast just waking up.

"Who does he look like?" "Would you like to hold him?" she asked. "Sure!" As I rocked him and looked into this brand new baby boy's face -- perfect in every way, I couldn't help but wonder if this would ever be me. Would I ever have a brand new baby snuggled up to my breast as we both softly slept? Would I ever be asking who he/she looked like? Would I be in the hospital and have visitors that came and visited? Would I know the joy of giving birth to my child?

I left after about 20 minutes, but not before passing another newborn being wheeled around in the hospital. I felt really empty leaving there. Out of place. I can't describe it.

I came home and cried. This is the season of my life where I am supposed to be having babies. I feel lost as to what I am supposed to be doing.

I am learning that it's okay to say no to things. I should have never put myself through that today. She has plenty of friends that can come and support her and cheer her on. While I am happy for her, I am not one of those people who can be that for her right now.

I am starting to get the first round of invitations for 1st birthday parties of children of friends whose showers I mustered up the strength to attend last summer along with the SEVEN baby showers I've been invited to this summer. I am learning to say "no" and take care of me sometimes in this journey. If these people only knew that it takes everything in me to attend these showers and parties -- how they wipe me out emotionally and ruin me for days. If they knew, they would know just how much I truly care about them.

Ultrasound Wednesday, IUI probably by the end of the week. Onward forward.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Just some thoughts

Okay, my mantra has always been to look up vertically rather than horizontally to avoid a bunch of "why" questions and depression. For me, that means looking up at God and what he is doing specifically in my life and not horizontally at everyone and their sister who is getting pregnant and life is peaches and roses and wondering why it's not happening for me. It keeps things in perspective. I do believe each of us has our cross to bear. And this is mine.

Occasionally, (okay a lot more than occasionally) I veer from that thinking and just downright get jealous and mad. Today is one of those days. I just need to vent about it.

First, I have been invited to 6 baby showers this summer. Second, I am a witness to the largest baby boom in history at my place of employment. I'd say the median age of people I work with is 28. And I work with almost 300 people. As you can imagine, a pregnancy or baby is announced almost weekly if not daily around here. It's very hard not to dwell on the pain when it's in your face everyday. I literally can't go to the bathroom without overhearing someone announce their good news. I am dead serious. It happened.

I walked through the kitchen yesterday and overheard two pregnant women talking about how everyone is having babies. All they go to are baby showers now. Five years ago, it was bridal showers. The other one commented, "Yeah, now all of those people are having babies!" Yeah, not all of us.

Then, yesterday one complained about having to have a vaginal ultrasound. Apparently they couldn't see the baby through the other way. I laughed to myself. I'm not trying to be mean. I mean I would complain too if I had never boarded the train of infertility and been stuck (and continue to be stuck) numerous times with numerous bruises, been probed, poked, operated on, had saline pumped in my uterus, given myself shots, had numerous catheters and liquids inserted that caused pain, had my whole private life out for everyone to see and cried more tears than I can count. It just gives you a different perspective on things. I am being sincere when I say I would have been just like her, complaining about a vaginal ultrasound if I had gotten pregnant right away, because I wouldn't have walked that road. Ignorance is bliss. I just wish I could still be that naive. I wish I didn't know all of the acronyms, the difference between what IUI and IVF is, what an RE does versus an OB/GYN, and the list goes on. But this is my cross to bear, and maybe I can help someone else someday.

One more vent. At lunch today, a woman was talking about a lady we know that got pregnant "accidentally". Can someone PLEASE tell me how that happens? I mean, seriously! She went on to say that it was going to have to happen "accidentally" if it was ever going to happen for this girl, because she kept saying she wasn't ready. It all goes to show, God is in control and it happens when he wants it too. But accidentally? Only those of us who have been through infertility school know that there are no accidents when it comes to conceiving. It is a miracle that anyone ever gets pregnant with all that has to go right.

Okay, I'm done. Whew. I really do love Jesus and know he's working his perfect plan in my life. I just need to vent sometimes. I will give birth to a child in his time. I believe that with all my heart. I'll save that story for another day.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Round 2

I went to the doctor today to start round 2 of IUI's. Everything was fine and they counted 12 follicles on each side. I overheard the nurse talking to the doc on the phone about how to proceed next with me. (He is on vacation.) We will do the same thing as last month, I guess since I responded so well.

I came armed with a list of questions that I intended to leave for him for when he got back, but to my delight, the nurse said they talk to him multiple times a day and she would ask him for me. Nice vacation! Oh well, I guess in this business, you have to be available. It's amazing to me how things are so different the more money that you pay for things -- I would never get that kind of care at my primary doc's office.

So, the nurse called me within a couple of hours with the answers to my questions. She was almost apologetic telling me that Dr. S. would have rather called me himself and would have because he likes to be available to his patients, but he was going to have to go out of town for a family emergency. Would it be okay if she told me the answers and if I wasn't satisfied, he'd talk with me when he returned? Okay, so how nice and RARE is that? On his vacation! I totally heart Dr. S. The nurse said he has like a photographic memory and remembers just about everything about everyone, so I totally felt confident in his answers.

So, for my fellow UUers -- here is what I asked:

1. Should I do more than the traditional 3 IUI's because of the fact I have a tube that goes nowhere that eggs could be going up? Yes, he would recommend 5 before going on to more aggressive treatment.

2. If I ovulate on the left, should we proceed with IUI anyway? Absolutely. The ovaries and tubes sit so close together, that when you ovulate an egg, it doesn't immediately get sucked up into the adjacent tube, rather it floats around in this fluid in a pool and then it goes into a tube. Either could easily pick it up.

I feel a whole lot better today with those nagging questions being answered.

And to Kate, my first commenter -- thanks so much for your sympathy and encouragement! I was trying to figure out a way to reply to you, but didn't succeed. :-)

Friday, June 15, 2007

In the Midst of the Storm

Well, the IUI didn't work. I got my period today. And it sucks. I have no idea how my egg got past 49 million supercharged sperm , but it did. I am so very tired of the rejection each month. It's my 20th one, you know. And to add fuel to the fire, my period decided to show up 2 days later than usual -- an added bonus. So much for a shorter cycle.

I am so, so disappointed and just don't understand why. I don't know how I am going to muster the strength to endure another monthly cycle. It's unbearable to think about. I am so, so, so tired of the roller coaster that is my monthly cycle.

I feel like I let everyone down. I am so tired. I just want a baby. I just want a baby.

When will you relent, God?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

My husband left today to make his first feature film. I am so proud of him and thankful to God for the opportunity before him. It has been amazing to watch God open one door after another on their behalf to make this film. It does my heart good to see a dream start to be realized.

I've been going through stuff and updating my scrapbooks today and came across our wedding album. As I opened it up and flipped through the pages, I came across a certain picture and began to cry. It's the picture of us at the altar with joined hands staring into eachother's eyes as we said our vows. The beginning of our union. I cried because there are supposed to be children by now. Children created from that union that took place six and a half years ago. See, I was supposed to be a stay-at-home mom by now. How quickly I learned I am not in control of growing our family.

I guess it's natural (especially for a woman) to "plan" how her life will go, how many kids she will have and when, where she will live, etc. And it works for most people, even for other type A's like me. In fact I work with one. I mean, it's been my heartbeat since I was a little girl. I would play with dolls, barbies, even pretend my baby sister was my baby.

I am so tired of thinking about getting pregnant. It has consumed my thoughts and I desperately want to move on and get on with my life. I don't want to live in this world of monthly cycles of hope, waiting and disappointment forever. I can't. I am tired of wishing away time in order to get to the next step in fertility treatment or in most cases -- the end of it.

I have a few more days of waiting until this insane 2WW is over. Of course I am hoping for the best. I have zero symptoms though. Wouldn't it be nice to be pleasantly surprised? To have the pride of being one of the ones "it worked the first time for"?

Hanging on to hope with everything I've got in me...


Wednesday, June 6, 2007


It's only been 6 days since the IUI and I am going insane. I keep swinging from feelings of extreme hope to extreme negativity. I've even rehearsed in my head how my meltdown will go down. I know that's bad and negative, but it's instinctive to guard my heart.

I just can't even begin to think about anymore rides on the roller coaster. The cycle of hoping, waiting and disappointment over and over and over again can drive one absolutely insane.

I just want this to end.

On the bright side, we've had our best chance yet. Why wouldn't God want to give me the desires of my heart?

Still holding out hope...