Just some thoughts

Okay, my mantra has always been to look up vertically rather than horizontally to avoid a bunch of "why" questions and depression. For me, that means looking up at God and what he is doing specifically in my life and not horizontally at everyone and their sister who is getting pregnant and life is peaches and roses and wondering why it's not happening for me. It keeps things in perspective. I do believe each of us has our cross to bear. And this is mine.

Occasionally, (okay a lot more than occasionally) I veer from that thinking and just downright get jealous and mad. Today is one of those days. I just need to vent about it.

First, I have been invited to 6 baby showers this summer. Second, I am a witness to the largest baby boom in history at my place of employment. I'd say the median age of people I work with is 28. And I work with almost 300 people. As you can imagine, a pregnancy or baby is announced almost weekly if not daily around here. It's very hard not to dwell on the pain when it's in your face everyday. I literally can't go to the bathroom without overhearing someone announce their good news. I am dead serious. It happened.

I walked through the kitchen yesterday and overheard two pregnant women talking about how everyone is having babies. All they go to are baby showers now. Five years ago, it was bridal showers. The other one commented, "Yeah, now all of those people are having babies!" Yeah, not all of us.

Then, yesterday one complained about having to have a vaginal ultrasound. Apparently they couldn't see the baby through the other way. I laughed to myself. I'm not trying to be mean. I mean I would complain too if I had never boarded the train of infertility and been stuck (and continue to be stuck) numerous times with numerous bruises, been probed, poked, operated on, had saline pumped in my uterus, given myself shots, had numerous catheters and liquids inserted that caused pain, had my whole private life out for everyone to see and cried more tears than I can count. It just gives you a different perspective on things. I am being sincere when I say I would have been just like her, complaining about a vaginal ultrasound if I had gotten pregnant right away, because I wouldn't have walked that road. Ignorance is bliss. I just wish I could still be that naive. I wish I didn't know all of the acronyms, the difference between what IUI and IVF is, what an RE does versus an OB/GYN, and the list goes on. But this is my cross to bear, and maybe I can help someone else someday.

One more vent. At lunch today, a woman was talking about a lady we know that got pregnant "accidentally". Can someone PLEASE tell me how that happens? I mean, seriously! She went on to say that it was going to have to happen "accidentally" if it was ever going to happen for this girl, because she kept saying she wasn't ready. It all goes to show, God is in control and it happens when he wants it too. But accidentally? Only those of us who have been through infertility school know that there are no accidents when it comes to conceiving. It is a miracle that anyone ever gets pregnant with all that has to go right.

Okay, I'm done. Whew. I really do love Jesus and know he's working his perfect plan in my life. I just need to vent sometimes. I will give birth to a child in his time. I believe that with all my heart. I'll save that story for another day.