It's okay to say no

I attended a fabulous baby shower today for a friend who deserves one more than anyone. After years of struggling with infertility, she will adopt a baby girl that will be born in a few weeks. I couldn't be more than thrilled for her.

I live in the South, and a southern baby shower it indeed was. I don't know how many of you are familiar with the way showers and the like are thrown in the South, but they are nothing short of all that is southern charm and hospitality! They pulled out the china, silver, lemonade and even the cake with the baby's monogram on top and all the ladies were dressed to the nines. Very classy.

After the shower, my husband suggested I swing by the hospital to visit a friend of ours who gave birth this morning. "Okay", I said. I started having second thoughts at the shower, but wanted to be a good friend and not look bad, so I sucked it up and went. It was a huge mistake. As I walked into the building, I saw moms being wheeled out with baby and dad helping her into the car. Ouch. Then, once through the doors, pregnant women and once I got to the floor where my friend was, signs of "It's a Boy!" and "It's a Girl!" as far as the eye could see. Gulp. I knocked on the door and walked in to see my friend with her baby boy snuggled at her breast just waking up.

"Who does he look like?" "Would you like to hold him?" she asked. "Sure!" As I rocked him and looked into this brand new baby boy's face -- perfect in every way, I couldn't help but wonder if this would ever be me. Would I ever have a brand new baby snuggled up to my breast as we both softly slept? Would I ever be asking who he/she looked like? Would I be in the hospital and have visitors that came and visited? Would I know the joy of giving birth to my child?

I left after about 20 minutes, but not before passing another newborn being wheeled around in the hospital. I felt really empty leaving there. Out of place. I can't describe it.

I came home and cried. This is the season of my life where I am supposed to be having babies. I feel lost as to what I am supposed to be doing.

I am learning that it's okay to say no to things. I should have never put myself through that today. She has plenty of friends that can come and support her and cheer her on. While I am happy for her, I am not one of those people who can be that for her right now.

I am starting to get the first round of invitations for 1st birthday parties of children of friends whose showers I mustered up the strength to attend last summer along with the SEVEN baby showers I've been invited to this summer. I am learning to say "no" and take care of me sometimes in this journey. If these people only knew that it takes everything in me to attend these showers and parties -- how they wipe me out emotionally and ruin me for days. If they knew, they would know just how much I truly care about them.

Ultrasound Wednesday, IUI probably by the end of the week. Onward forward.