Monday, December 10, 2007


"The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."

I've always loved this quote by C. S. Lewis. I used to think of it in a backward, past tense, but it recently hit me that this can be thought of in a future tense too. The pain that I am experiencing now will be part of the happiness then because when I am finally holding my child, all the pain on the road to get me there will make my joy even deeper. It's all connected. That pain will be part of my happiness. It's strange to think about.

I've been pretty sad lately. Tears are at the surface pretty much all the time. I guess I'm starting to come to terms with everything and that's a very, very hard thing to do. How do you let go yet still hope? It's been a tough couple of years. Hoping and hurting again and again and again. Watching friends and family's dreams come true while letting go of my own.

I had my work Christmas party the other night and they went down the list of people that had gotten married, had babies or are pregnant in 2007 and congratulated them one by one. I sat very still, with this forced, fake smile on my face, blinking back tears knowing that if I moved one muscle on my face I was going to lose it and have to leave the room. I wonder why we don't have a category for those unsung heroes of the year who displayed courage, didn't give up, kept going, knew when to give up, got out of bed each morning despite stifling sadness, faced tremendous disappointment yet kept their faith and somehow managed to pick up the pieces and go on?

This time of year is so hard with so much focus on reflection, celebration and family. I guess I can celebrate the fact that I made it through, yes several thousand dollars poorer and battle scars to prove it, but I made it through stronger. Career still intact. Marriage still strong. Faith still intact.

I had a normal, 31 day cycle this month. Hey... now that's something to celebrate!


sarabaumancrna said...

Hi Becca...I think that I also have come across you on our yahoo UU group. I found this because my friend Farah has a blog through this site...I had started one, yet somehow, my first three entries were erased. I can't begin to tell you how many similar feelings and emotions that I have had when reading through some of your posts. Often I feel that it could be me writing them...strange I know, but comforting at the same time.

Brave China Doll said...

Hey Sara!

I do know you from the UU boards! It's a small world with us UU's. :-)

I did try and go to your blog, but there are no posts are anything.

I am so glad you were comforted. I feel the same way when I read other blogs or posts of women going through infertility. It's especially comforting for me to read about other UU's! There is something about knowing someone else gets is and that you are not alone in your feelings.

It's been very therapeutic for me to write and been a great way to document my journey.

How long have you been TTC and how did you find out about the UU?


sarabaumancrna said...

Hi Becca,
My email is You'll have to email me sometime..because I've been so bad about setting up my blog after my original three postings got erased. I found out about my UU this past July and started trying to conceive 2 years ago in Dec 2005. Right now we've had two failed IUIs with clomid and HCG trigger shot. We have one more and then will either do one IUI with injectables and then move to IVF. My husband and I have a lot of multiples in the familiy and my RE is concerned about doing too much with injectables due to this. 3 out of our 4 grandparents are twins and we both have a couple of natural sets of triplets in the family :-) Crazy, I know...but true!

sarabaumancrna said...

It's so funny some of your I said...I feel like they could be written by me. We started to try to conceive before I turned 26, and soon I will be 28. I always thought that by 28 I would have at least one child. I recently finished grad school to be a CRNA (nurse anesthetist) and thought at the latest I would have a child when school was done. That was a year ago. It is a weird feeling knowing that I don't have one yet. At the time, I never thought about my UU and I didn't realize the battles ahead. I think the thing that is hard for us with a UU is not only getting pregnant, but accepting all of the battles that come with having the UU once you actually get pregnant. Most people struggling with infertility just want to get pregnant. But for us, we struggle with getting pregnant, only to be faced with the bigger struggle of staying pregnant! It is so comforting to know others struggle with the same battles we do :-)

sarabaumancrna said...

I set up a new blog...kind of like therapy..if you want...check it out and leave a comment...its that doesn't work...try it without the #1 at the end. Hopefully this one will work...the first one got erased. I hope you have a great holiday. Do you mind telling others again for me? Thanks're the best!