Celebrate

"The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."

I've always loved this quote by C. S. Lewis. I used to think of it in a backward, past tense, but it recently hit me that this can be thought of in a future tense too. The pain that I am experiencing now will be part of the happiness then because when I am finally holding my child, all the pain on the road to get me there will make my joy even deeper. It's all connected. That pain will be part of my happiness. It's strange to think about.

I've been pretty sad lately. Tears are at the surface pretty much all the time. I guess I'm starting to come to terms with everything and that's a very, very hard thing to do. How do you let go yet still hope? It's been a tough couple of years. Hoping and hurting again and again and again. Watching friends and family's dreams come true while letting go of my own.

I had my work Christmas party the other night and they went down the list of people that had gotten married, had babies or are pregnant in 2007 and congratulated them one by one. I sat very still, with this forced, fake smile on my face, blinking back tears knowing that if I moved one muscle on my face I was going to lose it and have to leave the room. I wonder why we don't have a category for those unsung heroes of the year who displayed courage, didn't give up, kept going, knew when to give up, got out of bed each morning despite stifling sadness, faced tremendous disappointment yet kept their faith and somehow managed to pick up the pieces and go on?

This time of year is so hard with so much focus on reflection, celebration and family. I guess I can celebrate the fact that I made it through, yes several thousand dollars poorer and battle scars to prove it, but I made it through stronger. Career still intact. Marriage still strong. Faith still intact.

I had a normal, 31 day cycle this month. Hey... now that's something to celebrate!