Monday, November 12, 2007

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

My period started again on cd 18 of my cycle. That and the pain I had on my right side near my nearly overstimulated right ovary clued me in that I probably had another gigantic cyst. And I do. The best news? I paid for it! Ha! (Another lingering reminder of Follistim -- the gift that just keeps giving.)

Anyway, I had to go in for a cyst check today, and they found one indeed -- 4.5 cm on the right side. I hate that I know my body so well. I hate it. I feel so betrayed by it, yet I'm intensely attuned to it. As I walked out of the ultrasound room, the good old doc was standing there and said, "Hey, B!" Boy, it's sad that he knows my name that well.

He came in the room and was upbeat with my case today (Dr. Jekyll?), I think mainly because we weren't talking about me carrying a baby, but about getting pregnant. Those are two completely different things in his mind I think. I asked him if he had completely ruled out natural conception in my case, and he replied with a resounding "no". He explained there are some that he sees where the prognosis is not good but that he's never felt that way about me -- that it's just a lot tougher to get there. He's said the same thing before -- but only when we're talking conceiving. Whatever. I'll take it.

So, we have to check on the cyst next cycle. Hopefully by that time, I'll also be used to the glucophage. It's made me somewhat sick. "Let's only do glucophage for 6 months. We'll need to try something different if that doesn't work. We don't want to do gonadotrophins on you again though. We know that those are very powerful in you and dangerous too." Ya think?

And now I'll leave you with this...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

5 comments:

kate said...

where in the world did you find that poem?!?! It's amazing... it sums it all up. I'm printing it out and saving it... thank you!We're going to be amazing moms... we will, it's just finding the right road to get us there... many hugs!

Brave China Doll said...

Hi Kate,

I found it in a recent RESOLVE newsletter. It is great, isn't it? It does sum it all up.

How is everything going with you these days? I'm still taking my omegas!

kate said...

Thanks for asking, becky, right?? ;) I'm actually giving injects a last try - I've been on a break since my failed IVF last May. A dear friend of mine gave me her leftover drugs from a successful IVF cycle, so I'm doing injects one more time just to see if all the other improvements I've done to my body (lost weight, tweeked some other drugs)have made any difference. So far, looks like my bad side has ONCE AGAIN proven to be evil ;) and has several mature follicles and my good side is lagging behind. So, I'm acutally waiting out today to see if I'm surging yet... we're still going to trigger, but skip the IUI and try on our own since the follies don't look ideal. I have enough drugs left over... I might try ONE MORE FREAKIN' Cycle ;) But the difference now is... I'm at a peace. It's crazy, i never thought I'd be here... but I'M OK and it's a huge thing. I don't know how I got to the point of being OK with everything, but I am. The last few years I've lived in a black hole - and the relief of seeing the light is amazing. Of course I want this inject cycle to work, but I'm very realistic now. This is just my last "maybe we'll get lucky" effort... and if and when it doesn't work, I'm ready to move on. Moving on is the hardest thing I've ever thought to do, tried, to do, and succeed. My dh and I will be moving on to adoption, but I finally feel that I'm at a point that I'm not "settling" for less... rather I'm following the path that I'm meant to be on.

;) more than you asked for, I'm sure :)

Brave China Doll said...

Hi Kate,

It really sounds like you are in a good place. It's amazing how you start getting peace,isn't it? I am starting to experience some of the same stuff you were saying. Even in the clinic the other day,I was totally relieved not to be doing any treatment. It's hard to describe, but I totally get what you are saying. I'm so glad for you.

I had no idea you tried IVF?? Do they have any theories as to why it didn't work? Do you have any other issues other than the UU and ovulation issues?

Thanks for sharing, and please keep me updated!

And thanks for reading my blog!

Becca

kate said...

hi becca :)

Yes, I did IVF last May - all $$ out of pocket - everything has been and I know you can relate. I went into IVF just postitive that this was going to be it. That even if the first ivf didn't work, I'd have plenty of embryos left over to try again - I was sorely incorrect on both accounts and ended up with nothing. It was beyond devastating. I was originally dx with high prolactin and the UU. NO OTHER DX. So naturally, I went into IVF thinking all would be perfect, perfect eggs, perfect embryos etc... to my disappointment, my fertilization results were poor - with no explaination why. I'll never know :( But that brought up a HUGE question of what else was wrong?? Why would my egg quality be bad? My dr reordered all the regular tests, and still nothing :( to indicate a problem. I still ovulate late, without explaination... taking the omegas has been the only thing that has helped regulate my cycle. I'd give anything to try IVF again.... but I can't bring myself to invest more $$ into something that isn't a sure thing at this point :( But that isn't to say you shouldn't... my good friend that donated her drugs to me, she's a UU to and got her BFP on her second IVF. I'm happy to answer any questions about anything :)