Update

Well, I've been enjoying my hiatus from all things fertility. Even though I don't like the idea of being on birth control, it's an incredible feeling not to know what cycle day I'm on and to know I have no chance of getting pregnant at all. It's like I'm on vacation without a care in the world!

I've been spotting for probably 8 days straight now. I suspect dear old cyst might still be hanging around -- but I do hope it isn't and that it's just the bc hormones. Not too much longer and I'll know for sure.

These 2 cycles off have been so good for me to clear my head, really pray and get clarity on things. Without the day to day stress of fertility monitoring and drugs that tends to fog my brain and cloud my judgment sometimes, I've been freed up to really listen to God and what He has to say about all this pain and how to proceed.

As a Christian, I see all things through the lens of God and what I believe to be his sovereignty over my life. Being a Christian doesn't mean that I never sob over my situation, get raging mad at Him for his seemingly lack of care toward me, collapse in disappointment or question Him. What I can tell you though, is that He is my anchor of hope -- the anchor I throw down in the midst of the storm raging around me. I believe He put my body together the way it is and that in the midst of this intense suffering and pain, He has not lost control. I may have, but He never has. His unending love for me and what I believe He did for me on the Cross are what compels me to run back to Him and to trust Him even when it is so very dark --

And still dark.

I have a little piece of canvas at my desk at work that reminds me that God is painting on a canvas far bigger than I can see right now. It reminds me that the season of infertility is just a tiny mosaic on the larger canvas that is my life.

There is no "bow" to my story and I realize there may never be, but what brings me comfort is knowing that I can rest in the assurance that He is there and that I am going to be okay in the end.

Would I take back the infertility and the pain and the anguish and February 16, 2007 when I found out about the UU for what I had planned, even though good has come from it? ABSOLUTELY. I may love and trust God, people, but let's be real -- who says "yes" to pain?

I will tell you one thing, though. I am not the same woman I was 2 years ago. Yes, I get angry at God, and I'll get angry with Him again. And no, I'm not one of those Christians who goes around quoting Romans 8:28 that "all things work together for good..." with a smile on my face after a failed IUI as if having God on my side means I'm invincible from pain.

I cry and I sob and I yell and I get mad and I question how a loving God could allow me so much pain. Hadn't I had enough growing up?

But then, I'm drawn right back to Him because I have no where else to run, no where else to place my hope, but in the One whom I believe is ultimately the creator and giver of life.

Even though I let go, He never lets go.

The one thing

I spent last weekend with a dear friend. I met her on my first night of college, and we've been friends ever since.

She has a two-year old son who is just pure joy. My friend could not believe how he took to me. She told me he had never taken to someone the way he did to me. I played peek-a-boo with him, sat on the floor and twirled him around on his sit and spin and held his little hand as we walked outside. It felt so natural to me. But even though he loved me, I'm was not his mommy. Even though he was having fun with me, when his mommy wasn't in the room, he constantly asked, "Where Mommy?"

Mommy. Yes, daddy's are great, but mommies, well, they're mommy. It's a word that conjures up pictures of children only able to be soothed by the tender touch and comforting voice of their mom, of bedtime stories and babies pulling up on their mommy's legs with arms raised in a plea to be held by the person they view as chief comforter and caregiver.

I recently heard a story about how a woman had just given birth and the baby was inconsolable. The second the baby was placed on her stomach and heard his mother's voice, he instantly calmed down, comforted by the voice he had come to know so well.

I want that.

I want my baby to know my voice. I want my touch to bring comfort, healing and love. I want to get up in the middle of the night for feedings. I want to be exhausted because I've been up all night with a newborn. I want my child to only want to be in my arms and not be able to be soothed or satisfied with anyone else because they don't feel well or are going though "a phase." I want to watch my baby sleep. I want to have to lose my pregnancy weight. I want to have first birthday parties and crave strange things. I want morning sickness and exhaustion.

I want all of these things because it would mean that I would have experienced pregnancy and have become the one thing I desire more than anything in this world -- to be someone's mommy.

They Joys of Birth Control

I forgot what birth control can do to you. I was on it for 5 years, but have been off of it for almost 2. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do on the journey yet -- swallowing that first pill the other night.

I got dizzy last night and feel just generally weird. I was like, yup -- that's the birth control -- I remember now!

I have been not so nice to my husband -- flying off the handle and generally moody. The hormones have me on edge and I don't recognize myself. I don't like this me on birth control.

That's a Picture Wrap!

Congratulations to my husband, Josh, on completing his first feature film! I love you and am proud of you! It's been a long, fun summer.

Enjoy the pictures! I was even a featured extra. I'm in the red. What can I say? I've got connections with the director!

Dang You, Cyst!

**Dear gigantic cyst on my left ovary: Thanks so much for hanging around, but I think you are confused. You aren't going to ovulate and it's time for you to leave and give all the other follicles a chance. Thanks, Becca

I started my period on Sunday -- on cd 21. I think that's a first for me. Needless to say I spotted almost the entire cycle and didn't ovulate. I knew something was going on when I last wrote about calling the nurse.

She thought I was pregnant.

I knew better.

SO...I was not entirely surprised to find out that I have a GIGANTIC cyst on my ovary. Two of the cysts were gone but the third just got bigger. Great. Kind RE said I must now go on birth control to help shrink it. How ironic.

My husband says what was MORE ironic is the fact that the fertility drugs I am taking to help me get pregnant are what caused the cyst which is forcing me to get on birth control which will prevent me from getting pregnant. Yeah.

I mentioned to Kind RE how it seemed to be one obstacle after another, and he gave me a pep talk about how all his patients had obstacles or they wouldn't be there. "You'll appreciate your baby more now, once you get it."

You better believe it, doc.

So, I get a bit more of a vacation for the next three or four weeks while I go on birth control. There's something strangely calming about knowing I have not a chance to conceive this month. It takes a lot of the pressure off.

**Kate --

I haven't heard about the Omega 3-6-9, but I sure will look into it! Where do you get that?

Where are you guys on fertility friend?