Monday, September 24, 2007


Well, I've been enjoying my hiatus from all things fertility. Even though I don't like the idea of being on birth control, it's an incredible feeling not to know what cycle day I'm on and to know I have no chance of getting pregnant at all. It's like I'm on vacation without a care in the world!

I've been spotting for probably 8 days straight now. I suspect dear old cyst might still be hanging around -- but I do hope it isn't and that it's just the bc hormones. Not too much longer and I'll know for sure.

These 2 cycles off have been so good for me to clear my head, really pray and get clarity on things. Without the day to day stress of fertility monitoring and drugs that tends to fog my brain and cloud my judgment sometimes, I've been freed up to really listen to God and what He has to say about all this pain and how to proceed.

As a Christian, I see all things through the lens of God and what I believe to be his sovereignty over my life. Being a Christian doesn't mean that I never sob over my situation, get raging mad at Him for his seemingly lack of care toward me, collapse in disappointment or question Him. What I can tell you though, is that He is my anchor of hope -- the anchor I throw down in the midst of the storm raging around me. I believe He put my body together the way it is and that in the midst of this intense suffering and pain, He has not lost control. I may have, but He never has. His unending love for me and what I believe He did for me on the Cross are what compels me to run back to Him and to trust Him even when it is so very dark --

And still dark.

I have a little piece of canvas at my desk at work that reminds me that God is painting on a canvas far bigger than I can see right now. It reminds me that the season of infertility is just a tiny mosaic on the larger canvas that is my life.

There is no "bow" to my story and I realize there may never be, but what brings me comfort is knowing that I can rest in the assurance that He is there and that I am going to be okay in the end.

Would I take back the infertility and the pain and the anguish and February 16, 2007 when I found out about the UU for what I had planned, even though good has come from it? ABSOLUTELY. I may love and trust God, people, but let's be real -- who says "yes" to pain?

I will tell you one thing, though. I am not the same woman I was 2 years ago. Yes, I get angry at God, and I'll get angry with Him again. And no, I'm not one of those Christians who goes around quoting Romans 8:28 that "all things work together for good..." with a smile on my face after a failed IUI as if having God on my side means I'm invincible from pain.

I cry and I sob and I yell and I get mad and I question how a loving God could allow me so much pain. Hadn't I had enough growing up?

But then, I'm drawn right back to Him because I have no where else to run, no where else to place my hope, but in the One whom I believe is ultimately the creator and giver of life.

Even though I let go, He never lets go.

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