Tuesday, January 1, 2008

So long, 2007

I walked into a hospital on a cold, beautiful Friday, February morning in 2007 to have this test done -- an HSG they called it, and all by myself. It was to be no big deal, and I sure didn't want to make it one. The clomid they had given me hadn't worked in the last 4 months, and I wanted to have the HSG done to check it off my list just to make sure I didn't have any fibroids like my mom did and to make sure my tubes were clear.

After finally getting in the room and on the table, I remember just laying there. And I remember the lights. Oh, the lights. It was so sterile and medical and cold -- much like the doctor who would eventually deliver the news of my fate. As I lay there on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, the angel God sent to me fashioned in the body of a radiology tech helped to calm me a bit. This was the first real diagnostic test I had and somehow now the fact that I was in...fer...tile hit me like a ton of bricks. I was forced to look reality in the face.

The doctor came in. He preceded to try and put the catheter in for 5 - 10 minutes. It wouldn't go in. "These things happen sometimes." Knowing what we know now, the forlorn look on his face was a foreshadowing of what was to come, yet I was oblivious.

It finally went in. The screen was not visible to me, so I was left with just the physical, painful reminder of what was going on. After a few minutes, he left the room and told me he'd be back in a few minutes after he reviewed everything.

Finally, as I lay there with nothing but a gown on, he delivered the news that rocked my world as I knew it. "You have a congenital anomaly where you have a one-horned uterus." As he turned the screen toward me I remember seeing this banana-like shape and thinking, "How in the world could I ever carry a baby in that?" He delivered the news with an almost reserved look of glee on his face as to appear professional, yet I was just a radiology picture to him and he had just found the find of the month. A true rare gem. Only thing is there was a human attached -- me -- who had hopes and dreams and plans that involved that rare gem. My life had just been turned upside down. But by all means, I'm glad it made your day and I've given you something to talk to your colleagues about at lunch. "I know you are going to ask me the question, can I carry a baby in that uterus? I don't have the answer to that. You'll have to ask your gynecologist." Trying to keep it together and calm as I always am, I manage a fake smile and say okay or something. "Are you okay?" he asks. I guess the fact that I looked white as a sheet gave it away. I felt white as a sheet.

The second he walked out of the room, I just balled. I couldn't help it. I sobbed. Right there on the table in a gown with nothing else on. "I'm supposed to have babies!" I thought. Who, by the way, gives news like that to someone in an already vulnerable position? Couldn't he have at least let me get dressed? I couldn't talk I was crying so hard, and the poor tech tried her best to console me, a virtual stranger. "It's just my worst nightmare, I explained." "It doesn't mean it's over, she said. You don't know yet."

As I went in the locker room and dressed, I just cried out in heaves -- you know like you can't catch your breath desperation. It was like an out of body experience. It felt like the room was spinning around me and I was just standing still. I thought it was over. I was confused and had no idea the uterus formed like it did or that there could be problems with it. Nobody ever talks about that. February 16, 2007 ranks in as one of the worst days of my life. I'll never, ever forget that day.

In March, we met with the RE for the first time, April I had surgery, May and June I had failed IUI's -- July another failed try on fertility drugs. I had cysts in August and September that caused me to sit out cycles and in October I spent $2500 on a cycle that I never got to complete because I overstimulated.

Yeah, that was my 2007.

I have cried more collectively in this year than all my 28 years combined. My heart has hurt over and over and over again with each failed attempt, each hope followed only by disappointment. Most days, I just felt as if I were walking wounded -- functioning yet torn up on the inside.

2007 has been an intense time of growth for me, and for that I am grateful. I am not the same woman I was one year ago, and I realize in the pain is usually where the most growth is. And while it's served it's purpose, I'm ready to put it in the books. It will always be "that year" for me.

I am now ready to embrace a better 2008. It's going to better.

Here's to hoping.


sara said...

Hi Becca...I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and a much better 2008 ahead for you then 2007 was :-) It's funny you said that you remember thinking you felt like the radiologist's find of the month...but that he probably forget that there was a person attached to that finding. I felt the same way! I could just picture the doctor leaving the room and discussing this "unusual finding" with his coworkers or partner. Even though my RE did my HSG and I love him as my doctor, I'm sure even he did that..it's only a natural response I guess. But it still doesn't make you fell any better at the time.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you...do you go back to work tomorrow? I had the last few days off for the holiday weekend..so I guess tomorrow is back to the grind for me too! Take care...and I'll talk to you soon!

Hugs..from your other UU half,

K77 said...

Sounds just like 20th April 2006 was for me. There is nothing that compares to that moment when you receive such an awful diagnosis that you don't quite understand and the world comes crashing down around you.

I hope 2008 is a billion times better.

Elizabeth said...

I hope 2008 is better for both of us. Unfortunately, my HSG wasn't interpreted correctly, so I can't think of Sept. 7, 2006 as the big day, but I can think of Jan. 4, 2007 as the day my world changed b/c that's when I had my lap and it revealed the endo and confirmed the UU. As that day approaches, I've been thinking about it a lot.

sara said...

Thanks for such a nice comment Becca...it's funny how mirror image our journey's are...almost crazy! But when mine got cancelled yesterday I actually thought of you because I knew you had had a cycle cancelled also. So that's cool because then when one of us gets to be a mom...the other one shouldn't be far to follow behind! It's kind of like having somewhat of a crystal ball..haha!