Wednesday, February 6, 2008


I am a reflector by nature. I remember people's birthdays and significant dates. I will often look back on the anniversary of that day or time and reflect and experience the emotions -- even years later. The day my mom left, the day I met my husband, my husband winning his first film festival, the day I found out about my uterus...

The thing about reflecting, though, is that as I look back, it causes me to look forward. I realized recently that had my first IUI worked, I'd be giving birth this month. I remember May 31. I remember the doctor telling me that "February was a great month to have a birthday" and I remember the unabashed hope I had that day. As I put my vacuum away in the guest room last night, I thought about how if it had worked, that room would be a nursery. I might be rocking my baby right now. I would be going to the park this spring with a stroller.

But here I am. I still have a flat stomach. I have no cravings. I've not been sick. My body still resembles someone who's never been pregnant, never had a baby. I still fit into my jeans. I don't have stretch marks. I'm not trying to breastfeed. There are no late nights. No crying baby. My arms are still empty.

A couple of weeks ago at a scrapbook get together, a woman was due in February and I couldn't help but think that that would have been me. Her swollen abdomen in contrast to my flat stomach was a painful reminder of what might have or could have been and mostly just what was supposed to be. What my body can't do or won't do. What others so easily can. She was the ultimate picture of femininity. I was the defective version.

I'm not sure why it's different than any other month. But I think it's mostly because it was at that point I started treatment and was so full of hope.

Oh well. Maybe February's not such a great month to have a birthday after all.


Elizabeth said...

I'm a reflector as well. January was a hard month for me because that's when we would have been due if IVF #1 had succeeded. To make it even more painful, I have three friends who gave birth in January, and it was hard not to wonder why them and not me.

Kate said...

What a powerful post. I greatly appreciate your honesty and it gives others (me) perspective of someone in your circumstance.

Each time I visit your blog, I say a prayer that one day you'll be the mother you deserve to be.


sara said...

Looking back causes me to look forward as well. Plus I'm always counting months or days so it's like a vicious cycle. I'm so sorry that nothing has worked out yet for you and you're left with the thoughts of what could have been. Sometimes I wish that at night I turned into a stork fairy and could drop off little babies to all the moms to be going through fertility problems. You'd be at the top of my list! Ahh if only the little stork actually existed!

I'm sorry this is a tough month for you too. I just found out this morning I started. My period came a few days early, the little stinker. When my RE's office opens this AM I'll give them a call to figure out the gameplan with starting this IVF prep testing and meds and stuff that we're talked a little about.

Hang in there girl...I'm thinking of you, and will try to give you a call soon,

lots o hugs for my uu other half,

sara said...

Hi Becca,

My doggie is a bolognese which is in the same family as a Bichon. We actually got her from a lady in Texas. We were going to get one from a breeder near us, her husband died and we wanted to get one in the time frame I was off from work. So that's how we ended up getting one from so far away. We checked references and am so glad it worked out okay. They don't shed since my husband and I both have allergies. She is about 7 lbs but thinks she's about 70 lbs! She is small, but a sturdy dog, climbs to the top of our chair and jumps off. I always try to stop here since I;m worried about her getting hurt...but she's fearless.

I'll try to give you a call in a little while to touch base...I'm looking forward to it!