Thursday, August 28, 2008

28 weeks and a long, overdue update!

I had my 28 week appointment today and all continues to be well. My cervix was long and closed at 4.8 cm which is awesome. The baby is approximately 2.5 pounds and measuring pretty much right on target according to my growth scan today. My amniotic fluid was in the lower limits as it was last time, but nothing to be concerned about at this point according to the doctor.

I only gained less than a pound in 2 weeks to my delight because last time I had gained 6 in 2 weeks! I've now gained a total of 18 pounds. Thank goodness for the probably 15 - 20 miles I walked last week in my career as an event planner. Last week was my busiest week work-wise of the year!

I stand amazed at where I am today and know I am incredibly blessed to have had a complication-free pregnancy thus far. It truly is a miracle and one I am thankful for each and every day.

The other day I was telling my story to my community group from church and I became completely overwhelmed at what my God has done in my life...

October 12, 2007 was one of the worst days of my life. That was the day my final cycle was canceled and complete despair overtook every last part of me - physically, emotionally and spiritually. After the dreaded phone call, I fell to the floor screaming, crying, yelling and telling the God that I loved so much that I hated Him. I questioned how a loving God could allow so much heartache and pain in one lifetime and why he kept saying no. All I wanted to be was the mom I never had. Why? I told those closest to me that I didn't feel like God liked me very much.

That isolated day and its events weren't what caused me to collaspe to the floor of my living room. It was the culmination of the two years of infertility -- of the pain and the ups and downs and the disappointment after disappointment. It was all of it. It was my breaking point.

But here's the beautiful thing. There was more in store. Even amidst my ugliness and questioning and hatred I was expressing toward God, His plan still stood and this sweet baby I am now carrying was still going to be mine. He didn't let go of me when I let go of Him. He didn't change His mind or take away this blessing because of the way I acted. To me, that is extraordinary love. Extraordinary grace. It was something I rarely knew with my parents. He didn't take back the gift He had in store for us because of my actions as my own mother had done one Christmas when I was a child.

My faith and assurance that my God is at work even when it is so very dark got taken to another level through this experience. And it's not because He gave me what I asked of Him. It actually has nothing to do with that. It's because I realized in a fresh way how very much He loves me. In all my ugliness and in all my shunning and mistrust, He gave me what I didn't deserve.

I will forever tell this little boy how special he is and that He was made by God and for God with a specific purpose on this Earth.

Yay for 28 weeks!


sara said...

Congrats on the 28 weeks Becca! I'm so glad that you had a good appointment and things are moving right along. It is so nice to hear how far things have come along. It's funny how sometimes we hit such a low before we start to pick ourselves up and realize that we were put there only to be picked up again. I'm not sure where I read somewhere that it's only after we have recovered that we realize we were at one of our low points. I definitely related to what the end of your post said. Well put and congrats again!

Anonymous said...

That's awesome Becca. Even after we've given up on God, he still working out all the details of his plan for our life. His time is not our time. He doesn't give up on us even when we've spat in his face. He loves us unconditionally. Though that is hard to grasp sometimes, it's still a reassuring thought.

Thanks for letting us see you be real and honest with our God, and thanks for showing us how he's made himself real in yours and Josh's lives.

BillyDaws said...

I have always been proud of you as my daughter-in-law. But this article just shows me how blessed I am to have you as the wife of my first born son. You made me cry when I read it. I could feel your pain but I could also feel your joy.

There is no doubt that this article will help so many young ladies who have felt this same hurt. Most of them need to know that you can get angry with God and that He still loves you...and you still love Him. This a a transparency that makes you very special.

'Baby Bear' has a great mom already and a dad who has strong convictions and courage. Baby Bear will be taught well the way of the Lord. He is blessed to have you.

Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with the world. Christ is shining brightly through you today.