Hope to carry on

I called the nurse at the fabulous RE's office to inquire about my whacked out cycle this month and to see if it was normal considering the cysts, PCOS, and Follistim from last cycle. I've been having a lot of strangeness going on with my body. So frustrating, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't control it. I think my poor hormones are very confused.

Anyway, she asked me twice if I was "okay" which is not the norm for a conversation between her and me. Usually, it's all business. She was like, "Other than your cycle, are you okay physically and emotionally?" And then again later in the conversation, "Are you sure you are okay? I am really worried about you. You sound all nervous and shaky." Looking back, I think I probably did sound a little manic. I think I was overdoing it trying to not show my concern over my body acting strange. Obviously it didn't work. I explained to her it had been a tough week.

I had my annual on Monday with the GYN -- what a breeze! Ha! It's never a treat to walk into the GYN's office not pregnant when you desperately want to be. I never dreamed a year ago I'd still be in this situation. I can remember clearly the day I went to the GYN last year for my annual and so Monday was a harsh marker of time being there again with nothing having changed.

So I'm the kind of person that gets embarrassed for other people. I feel badly for people when they feel badly for me. I don't want them to feel awkward or pity me and I usually anticipate that and try to work around it. I knew the girls at the GYN's office would feel badly for me when I walked in as they've always rooted for me. After all, I started out the journey with them. I knew they wouldn't know what to say. The sweet nurse confided in me that it just "pissed her off that women like me who deserve babies can't have them, but that yet she had an 18 year old with no business having a child in there -- that it was like a game to her." Of course that got me going in my head. But I just smiled and faked it.

This journey started out with just an innocent desire to have a baby. I can remember the giddy excitement and anticipation of making the decision to start trying. I remember thinking about the weight of what that would mean and wondering if we were ready -- you know, really ready. It was so innocent and simple, and I'm sad that that part of the experience was taken from us.

But you know what? WHEN I do get my baby, when I look into his or her eyes, I know it's going to all have been worth it. Although every baby is a blessing and a joy and a miracle, this baby of ours will be even more special. It will be a different greater joy than if we'd conceived easily -- because of what we went through to see this dream realized. We will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that precious soul was most definitely meant for us and to be on this Earth.

And that my friends, give me hope to carry on.

"Yeah, we're trying!"

I got my hair done today. It's always a treat to get somebody else to blow out my thick hair! Anyway, my male hair stylist asked me, "So, are you going to try and get pregnant soon?" I've gone to him for years, so I guess he's probably thinking it's about time. I just responded with a, "Yeah, maybe." He then went further. "So, you are thinking about it?" I repsonded, "Um, yeah, we'll see." I just didn't want to get into my fertility issues with my 3o something hair guy. I'm usually a pretty open book, but can you imagine? "Yeah, I basically have been trying for two years and found out I have half a uterus and PCOS. Oh, and a thyroid problem. We've spent more than half of our savings getting my husband's swimmers placed in me with a doctor's help and I've had surgery too! So, yeah, I guess you could say we're trying!" I don't think so. I think he might have gotten a little more than he bargained for had I been totally honest. Anyway, my hair looks great. Ha!

Well, I am 13 days into this cycle and no sign of ovulation yet. I thought I was going to early, but no dice. I am praying my dysfunctional ovaries will get with the program and work on their own this month. I secretly kind of like the occasional month of no fertility drugs just to see if those suckers will actually work on their own given my mild case of PCOS. I did ovulate on my own back in Mar/Apr and it was thrilling. Sad, I know, but I practically threw a party. My fellow PCOSers will know what I mean!

I am enjoying my month off of treatment immensely, although I still think about it and what to do next just about every second. I know the day will come when this stuff is a distant memory and I am not in pain, but right now, I am full-fledged in that season.

But, I know it's just a season. It's just a season.

Sittin' It Out

I went to the doctor today and had 3 cysts on my ovaries -- I guess from the Follistim. The RE gave me a 20 - 30 % chance that it would be a bad cycle because of this. I was going to do all injectibles and was really geared up to start.

I really want a cycle that is going to be this expensive to be 100% clear at the start of it -- if nothing else, to be able to look back and not have any regrets on doing it.

So, the RE would totally have let me do it and acted like it would probably be "okay" but since we are all out of pocket, I decided to wait it out this cycle.

It was a tough decision, but I've been praying all along for wisdom, clarity and guidance, and with all that we have going on in our lives this month, plus this, it was the wise choice.

Thanks for all the support lately. It means the world! I commented back to you Kate, in the comments section. I'll probably respond to you in that way from now on. :-)

I'll leave you with some pictures of our vacation at the beach and my sweet dog, Georgia. Despite the pain of infertility, I am blessed with a rich, full life!

Another failed cycle

I've been MIA for two reasons. One, I've been on vacation, and two I don't know what to say these days.

We had a great time with the family in Myrtle Beach although it was HOT and still is here in Atlanta. I enjoyed doing just about nothing for a week.

Now, I am in the midst of starting and I'm just plain disappointed. I took the Ovidrel trigger shot this time which gave me fake pregnancy symptoms for a good 9 days straight. It's so ironic and unfair.

There are so many woman that I have met who have gotten pregnant with a UU and I just can't understand why it's not working for us. Everything I've read says that a UU shouldn't cause infertility. Even my doctors said previously that they didn't think I would have a problem getting pregnant -- their concern was me carrying full-term. I always have thought it would be the opposite way around. It's so frustrating that I can't even get my foot on the huge mountain I potentially will have to climb. So why on Earth isn't it working?

This journey has been such a tough one. I've cried enough tears to fill up the Atlantic Ocean it seems. It has unfolded in stages and I've just been "so sure" the next thing would be "it". Allow me to share with you the rollercoaster I've been on for the better part of two years:

At first, after 8 months of trying, it was found that I was hypothyroid and wasn't ovulating. Great! It was obvious to everyone now why I wasn't getting pregnant. Correct the thyroid and PRESTO! I should ovulate and get pregnant, right? Wrong. Okay, okay -- still not ovulating even though thyroid is corrected -- I guess I'll take Clomid, even though I don't want to. At least I'll ovulate and get pregnant. I ovulate and hope is restored. Now we just have to give it some time. "Call us when you're pregnant!" After all, Clomid should work within 3 months! No pregnancy after 3 months and I fall apart, realizing that if it was going to happen, statistically, it would have already happened. 2 more months on Clomid. Nothing. Panic ensues. I request the HSG be done. I have a UU. I'm devastated. "No worries, woman with UU's get pregnant all the time, you just might need to have a c-section." Whew! At least now I realize why I haven't gotten pregnant yet! I only have one tube! Hope is restored and I have a new lense to view why the Clomid hasn't worked.

Now onto the RE. He wonders why I didn't get pregnant on Clomid and thinks I have endometriosis. (Now looking back, maybe I should have thought more through that considering we have no male factor, before we tried more treatment.) Okay, well that's probably it. So, I have surgery. No endometriosis! The pelvis is "squeaky clean" Perfect in every way except for the UU. I'll get pregnant with little help from the RE says nice OB/GYN.

But I haven't.

I am now running out of things to explain away why this or that hasn't worked and find myself faced with the harsh reality of everything. We're nearing the end of our options, and I can't believe I'm here.

We will do one more cycle of all injectibles next month. Barring it's a good cycle, that will be the end for us as far as fertility treatment goes. We'll always try, but this madness has to end. My little heart can't take much more -- nor our pocket books for that matter.

God, please let it work. It's time...