Thursday, August 30, 2007

Hope to carry on

I called the nurse at the fabulous RE's office to inquire about my whacked out cycle this month and to see if it was normal considering the cysts, PCOS, and Follistim from last cycle. I've been having a lot of strangeness going on with my body. So frustrating, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't control it. I think my poor hormones are very confused.

Anyway, she asked me twice if I was "okay" which is not the norm for a conversation between her and me. Usually, it's all business. She was like, "Other than your cycle, are you okay physically and emotionally?" And then again later in the conversation, "Are you sure you are okay? I am really worried about you. You sound all nervous and shaky." Looking back, I think I probably did sound a little manic. I think I was overdoing it trying to not show my concern over my body acting strange. Obviously it didn't work. I explained to her it had been a tough week.

I had my annual on Monday with the GYN -- what a breeze! Ha! It's never a treat to walk into the GYN's office not pregnant when you desperately want to be. I never dreamed a year ago I'd still be in this situation. I can remember clearly the day I went to the GYN last year for my annual and so Monday was a harsh marker of time being there again with nothing having changed.

So I'm the kind of person that gets embarrassed for other people. I feel badly for people when they feel badly for me. I don't want them to feel awkward or pity me and I usually anticipate that and try to work around it. I knew the girls at the GYN's office would feel badly for me when I walked in as they've always rooted for me. After all, I started out the journey with them. I knew they wouldn't know what to say. The sweet nurse confided in me that it just "pissed her off that women like me who deserve babies can't have them, but that yet she had an 18 year old with no business having a child in there -- that it was like a game to her." Of course that got me going in my head. But I just smiled and faked it.

This journey started out with just an innocent desire to have a baby. I can remember the giddy excitement and anticipation of making the decision to start trying. I remember thinking about the weight of what that would mean and wondering if we were ready -- you know, really ready. It was so innocent and simple, and I'm sad that that part of the experience was taken from us.

But you know what? WHEN I do get my baby, when I look into his or her eyes, I know it's going to all have been worth it. Although every baby is a blessing and a joy and a miracle, this baby of ours will be even more special. It will be a different greater joy than if we'd conceived easily -- because of what we went through to see this dream realized. We will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that precious soul was most definitely meant for us and to be on this Earth.

And that my friends, give me hope to carry on.

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