I had my ultrasound yesterday which revealed that the follicle on the right developed to 1.2 cm and the follicle on the left was 1.5 cm. I was told to continue the Follistim at 75 iu and give myself the trigger shot tomorrow at noon. They do think that both will release. I'll never know, though. ;-).

Strangely enough, after the doctor was so adamant about me only getting one follicle, he said if we did it again he would do all injectables. I have been doing Femara only, up until mid-cycle this time, when the follicles were so small still.

It's a big decision because it's so much money. Decisions, decisions.

Dr. S did say that my lining was really good and that many women with my anomaly can't make a lining like I did. So, that's good news!

Kate -- There isn't a way to reply back to you directly, so I am going to start replying to your comments in my comment section. :-)

Mid-Cycle, Round 3

I went in today for my cd 12 ultrasound. I thought something was up (or not up, as it turns out) because I wasn't having the same signs in my body at this time last month. After all, I had an IUI on cd 12 last month!

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I have 2 follicles, one on each side, that only developed to 1.1 centimeter each!! Ugh! Dang you, ovaries! ;-)

So, the doc wants to "juice up" those 2 follicles with Follistim tonight and tomorrow, and then I'll go back on Friday to see what happened. They do think that they will grow. I pray so too.

He was generally negative on my UU condition today. He gave me the grim statistics again, low pregnancy rate, high miscarriage rate and complications later on in pregnancy potentially. He swings all over the place with his opinion it seems.

I WILL NOT give up hope if it kills me.

A New Look

I decided to change up the look of my blog a bit and even post some pictures of me and my husband so you could put some faces with our journey. After 6.5 years of marriage, I can truly say he is my best friend. We have a wonderful life together filled with joy, laughter and many trips to Disney World!

Back in the Saddle Again -- Round 3

I had my baseline ultrasound today after FINALLY starting on Saturday. 17 follicles -- 8 on one side, 9 on the other. The doctor will not increase my dosage. Everything will remain the same. When the nurse asked him about increasing the dosage, he said, "No, she only has half a uterus. She can't have more than one baby." I totally am onboard with that thinking, I just think I'm getting antsy. When I'm more clearly thinking and it comes down to it, I don't want to take the risk.

It's kind of crazy to think I have only 3 more of these IUI's and then I'm done. Of course, I'm sure we can continue to do them as long as we want, but I think you probably get to a point of diminishing returns. As the nurse said today (and I already know this) IVF is really my only other option, and we don't feel led in that way right now.

So, that's the update! I'll start medication tomorrow.

Still sad

Thank you to kj for the sweet comment. I really appreciate it! I always look forward to comments.

Today I am heartsick. The fear of never having biological children escalates with each passing month and each unsuccessful fertility treatment. It never gets easier. And now the stakes are higher, the blow harder, and the emotions stronger because of the humiliation and cost of it all.

When you are TTC on your own, not many people have to know and not much, (other than time and emotion) is spent on it. Now, I feel as if I let a whole lot of people down and the costs all around, physically, emotionally, and financially are much higher.

However, I know I did everything possible I could do, and that's all I could do.

On a funny note, while I was having my meltdown last night, I made my very insecure dog even more insecure. She was very nervous, ears back, and kept licking her lips (a sign of insecurity in dogs). My husband says it was probably because she sees me as Alpha in the pack, and Alpha was insecure, so it made her even more so. How funny.

Welp, my hubby doesn't call me Brave China Doll for nothing!

Congrats to my husband on wrapping his first feature film! I love you and am proud of you!

My heart hurts

It's a no. Again. I'm in total despair. Why won't my body work?

More when I can manage...

Still Waiting

So, I thought about taking a picture of all the baby shower and first birthday invitations on my refrigerator just for fun, so you could see the irony of it all. But, I've thrown most of them away, so it probably wouldn't have the effect that I was going for.

I am very preplexed as to what to do. I have a really good friend whose shower is next Saturday, who has been sweet though all of this, and I really want to go to support her, but I'm afraid I'll regret it if I go. It's more of an afternoon tea, rather than a full-blown shower at someone's house, so I thought maybe I could handle it better. I don't know yet.

It's so hard because I really do want to support my friends and go to the parties and showers. I really do! I don't want to miss out and miss connecting with them. I just wish things were different on my end, so it wasn't so dang emotional and hard.

No news on my end. I'm starting to get that sinking feeling again. I have no indication whatsoever that it worked. My husband says though, that even when I do eventually get pregnant, I'll be in shock because I never and probably will never allow myself to think that way in order to protect my heart. I think he's right, unfortunately.

But, I choose to trust God that His plan is better than mine.