Friday, May 11, 2007

Ah, Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a sore subject for me. I used to hurt on that day for the mom I never had, now I hurt for fear of the mom I will never get to be.

My own mother physically abandoned me at 16, although really, emotionally, she abandoned me and my siblings long before that. I never had the kind of mom who delighted in me, hugged and kissed me, signed my permission slips at school, picked out prom dresses, or gushed over me on my wedding day. In fact, I can count how many times she's said she loves me on one hand.

Instead, I had a mother who smeared ice cream cones in my hair, called me curse words and was too wasted to celebrate my 16th birthday with me.

I used to cry on this holiday for the mom I longed for. Why couldn't I have a mom like all the other girls? I was in a constant state of shame and constantly put on a smile and made excuses for her -- because I wanted to appear NORMAL, even though I hurt intensely inside.

To this day, I struggle how to honor her. It stings to even send her a Mother's Day card. But I do, because I try to show her the love of Christ and the forgiveness he extended me. It's really, really hard though to put pen to paper and come up with something to say and spend the stamp to send a woman a card who doesn't deserve it.

As the days and years went on, I had (still do) this overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to change my genetic family tree, you know, make it right. I was going to have my own children, and be the mother I never had. I was going to stop the generational sin that had gone on for so long. This was long before the infertility battle started raging. Through my tears and as a tender teenage girl, I heard God whisper that in my heart. I know I did.

So, therein lies my dilemma. Will I hold on to my faith even admist the silence? I heard God say this to me, but I haven't seen the fulfillment of the promise yet. Will I keep holding on? Absolutely. I see this as a proving grounds for my faith. Will I still love the Lord and trust Him and what he said, even though the fullfillment of the promise is delayed?

So, in the past Mother's Day hurt for different reasons. While the pain is still there over the mom I always wanted, it's lessened over the years. I just began to accept God's sovereignty in the situation and stopped expecting that my mom owed me something. I let it go.

Now, the pain of Mother's Day lies in not being a mother. I cry for different reasons. Didn't I experience enough pain already God? Are you cruel to have given me an awful mother and then not allow me to even have children myself? Can't you just give me this one thing? What about what you told me? I just want to teach them about you. How desperately I would love to have a first-born daughter, as I was, to experience the mother-daughter relationship the way it was meant to be.

So, I am left with a loving God, several promises and delay...

Obviously, He's up to something. I guess I'm in "wait" mode.

Meanwhile, I'll dream about the day Mother's Day is finally a day I can celebrate.

"He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord."
Psalms 113:9

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