Canceled Cycle, Canceled Dreams

William Parrish: It's hard to let go, isn't it?
Joe Black: Yes it is, Bill.
William Parrish: And that's life... what can I tell you.
(From Meet Joe Black)

I'm just angry today. I'm angry for what happened; I'm angry that I was given so much hope; I'm angry for the way the cancellation was handled and I'm angry that at a time when I've never been more fertile in my life, I can't even try.

I'm angry.

Call it going through the stages of grief or whatever you want, but I'm just ticked off.

Re: Being more fertile than I've ever been, and can't even try. Isn't this ironic? I paid this clinic to help me have a baby, and the fertility doctor tells us to "stay away from each other." Is there something not messed up about that statement? I really wonder how much good they really did for me. It's just ironic to me that the things they have done for me have actually inadvertently caused me to not even have a chance at pregnancy because its caused me to have to go on birth control and have cycles canceled thereby preventing pregnancy.

Another reason this has been so hard to take is that for us, it not only was a canceled cycle, it was the end of the fertility road for us. That phone call changed the direction of our life.

I live almost 40 miles from my job. I spend 3 hours a day in traffic. I wake up at 4:45 a.m. each morning to get a head start on the morning commute. I have done this for 2.5 years with the hope and plan that I was doing it for my baby -- for my children. I have always planned to be a stay-at-home mom once I had children. In order to do this, we needed to stay in this house. I've always been a responsible, type A, first-born planner. I've always done the "right" thing. So, I've stuck it out, praying that something would give and all this sacrifice would pay off. Instead, I just got more pain.

We decided that if this cycle didn't work, that we would have to move closer to my job. It was kind of like a fleece that we put out there. I just can't do it anymore, especially with no child in sight. I love what I do, and can't imagine working anywhere else, so it's the thing to do.

So, the little room in the front of my house that I dreamed I would decorate for my first baby -- the one that I've walked in for the last 2 years daydreaming of what color I'd paint the walls, won't be my nursery after all. And it just sucks.

That's why that quick phone call was so jarring. It was more than just a canceled cycle, an isolated event, to me. It signaled a shift in our life, and one that I don't want to embrace right now.

Because it means I didn't get my baby.