A Respite

Well, tomorrow is our final appointment with the clinic for a while. It's such a strange feeling. I am excited to be through with going there all the time and being poked and prodded. I'm glad I won't be on the constant emotional roller coaster you stay on when in the midst of treatment -- wondering how many follicles I will have or won't have, stressing about them growing or not growing, hoping they are on my "good" side, stressing whether my husband will be in town for the IUI, etc. I'm also looking forward to people not asking all the time about what's going on and knowing the details of my private life. I am looking forward, in that sense, to fading into oblivion again -- just like everyone else. Oh, for one day for someone not to ask about my infertility. Believe it or not, there is more to me than that. Infertility is NOT my identity.

While I'm glad for a respite from all of this for a while, I'm also sad. I have to admit I like knowing what side I'm going to ovulate from and when. I like that my cycle has been monitored so that I know what is going on at any given time. And I love how my cycles have become increasing shorter (21 days this past time) because fertility treatment tends to speed them up for me. Even though I've had all "no's" during treatment, time seemed to go by faster because I always felt that I was doing something. By the time you get your period, it's almost time for cd 3 ultrasound, and then you are taking drugs. By that time you're done with that, it's another ultrasound, then an IUI shortly after and a week after that, a progesterone check. Because you stay busy, it goes by faster. So, I'm sure after all this, one cycle on my own will seem like an eternity, especially because of the PCOS.

I have a ton of questions for the doctor tomorrow. I can't believe I'm walking out of there with no pregnancy after all this. When I started with them back in March, tomorrow was the day that I feared -- a conversation and meeting because it didn't work.

Having IVF out there as a potential next step in the future has given me some hope. I plan to ask about it tomorrow.

My cycle started Wednesday, 3 days after stopping the progesterone, and only lasted 48 hours. I also had no PMS symptoms at all -- not even any cramping. The RE said to expect a heavy period, but instead I got the lightest period I've had in a long time despite the Follistim. Strange.

Until tomorrow...