Monday, October 22, 2007

Starting to Come Out of the Fog

"It is awfully hard to be b-b-brave, when you're only a Very Small Animal."

- Piglet

The last reminders of this past cycle are beginning to fade. I finished my progesterone last night and the lovely Follistim bloat is finally starting to go down. So, I got the side effects of Follistim and none of the potential benefits. The only thing left to officially finish out this cycle is the exclamation mark of a period.

I have been showered with love from so many over the past week or so. Both strangers and friends alike. I am blessed to know eight women off the top of my head who are either walking the infertility road with me right now, or have walked it in the past. I work with most of them, so on any given day, I can walk over to their cubicle and cry if I need to. The day before my cycle got cancelled, one of them offered to walk outside with me and just listened to me. Two of them go to the same doctor I do. I meet with three of them two Mondays a month to talk and pray together. My boss also went through infertility at the same clinic, so I've never had to stress about missing work, which has been one less thing to worry about. She gets it. The day I was going to get the verdict on the cycle (AKA The Doomed Friday), I got a text message from another one. I got cards in the mail. Another fertile friend teared up when I gave her the news. She had been praying for me all week. My sister lost sleep over me. I'm very blessed.

Today, I went over to an old co-worker's home for lunch. She didn't struggle with infertility, but she has walked this road with me and is the most compassionate person I've ever met. She just listened and let me cry. And she hugged me long and hard. It felt so good to be hugged like that and to not have to apologize for any of my tears.

I realized this week how incredibly blessed I am that I don't have to walk through this pain alone. If there is any silver lining to this trial, it's that I was reminded of how God graciously placed these people in my life. He didn't expect me to walk the road alone.

I told my husband last night that something just doesn't feel right about moving -- moving out of this house and moving on with life. And not in the sense that it's not wise financially or anything like that. It just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm leaving my heart somewhere else and my body is moving on with life.

My husband said we are going to do better if we embrace this and surrender and move on. I agree with him. But while I embrace it, I'm also grieving it, all at the same time.

I know this is not the end. I'm not giving up. IVF is still on our radar possibly one day. I guess I'm just grieving this part of the journey -- that the treatments we've tried thus far didn't work. I have much to be thankful for with nothing else visibly wrong other than PCOS. As confused and upset as I get, I'll never give up hope.


I think it's the human condition.

Thanks to all those who have commented on my blog too. You guys have encouraged me more than you know.

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

Hugs to you. Definitely let yourself grieve. I really hope you are able to do IVF sooner rather than later.

You are so fortunate to have such a great support network. It's wonderful that they have been there for you.