That's all folks

WARNING: Follistim; May cause heartache.

One side effect the manufacturers of Follistim failed to warn its consumers of in the fine print was potential heartache.

My cycle was canceled today. Canceled. Over $2000 dollars in since my period started 10 days ago, and arms and a stomach that resemble some sort of junkie, it's over.

My ovaries responded too well. I had at least 10 mature follicles and 17 on the board total and an estradiol level of over 4200 today. Yes, you read that number correctly.

The past 24 hours have been quite the roller coaster. At 3pm yesterday, I expected him to cancel, so when he made no mention of it and was telling me the risk was minimal and that things were looking great, I was walking on air. This morning, the nurses were so excited for me, "I think you should definitely do it," and on my way out said, "We think you are going to get pregnant this month!"I was so hopeful and had a smile on my face as I headed to the pharmacy for the Ovidrel trigger shot. Needless to say, when 3pm rolled around and I hadn't heard from the clinic on when to be there for the IUI and the final okay to trigger, I was a little concerned, but not exactly mentally prepared for what 3pm today would hold.

At 3pm, I was starting to get nervous and when the "unknown" caller came up on my cell phone, I knew it was the doctor and if it was the doctor, it only meant one thing.

In a very rushed, quick, CYA phone call, he said,"B? This is Dr. S. Well, girl, we're going to have to throw in the towel. It's just too risky. You've got 10 mature follicles and your estradiol is over 4200. You've fought the good fight, and it was valiant effort, but we just can't do it." Gulp. I honestly thought he was joking with me at first -- that he was going to tell me he was kidding and when to be at the clinic because of the quick, flippant manor he told me the news in, especially after he was so upbeat yesterday. I was blindsided.

Stunned, but still coherent, I asked him a few questions. It's all quite a blur and especially what with the two other phone calls he had in the midst of our quick conversation.

"Your ovaries work, we know that. If I were to do this again, I'd start you at a lower dosage..." I explained that we weren't doing THIS again -- that we were done unless we do IVF someday.

"I'll probably advise putting you on birth control through the holidays."

Great. You're a fertility clinic right? You help people get pregnant, right? Then how come most of the things you've done for me have caused me to have to go on birth control which prevents pregnancy or given me too high of dosages of drugs causing me to cancel cycles? I think I might have done better on my own. Thanks.

I told him I was heartbroken, but I understood and didn't want a tragedy, and he replied with some medical babble about it not being about being heartbroken, "but that with elective medicine, we have to be responsible," blah, blah, blah.

I know that, dude, but your quick check-it-off-my-list-I-cancel-cycles-everyday phone call just effectively ended my fertility journey and inadvertently broke my heart. When you get off the phone with me, you'll forget about me and my cycle -- another casualty in the field of infertility. I know it happens every day for you. But not for me. I had all my hopes and dreams wrapped up in this last cycle. I bet the farm, gave up my vacation, and drained my savings on it. You can't just call me and flippantly tell me this and expect me not to be heartbroken -- to just look at it medically.

After telling me to stay away from my husband for a week, and that he was going to have the nurse call me in progesterone to end the cycle and that I needed to start it by Saturday night, he got another call.

"I've got another call. I need to go." Okay.

I said goodbye and just sat stunned in some fixed gaze, reeling from what he had quickly just told me, trying to process it all.

To top it off, the nurse never called, nor did they answer the phone so I guess I won't be starting any progesterone this weekend. I feel so unsettled. I know they cancel cycles every day, but I don't have my cycle canceled everyday, and it hurts.

I have so many things rolling around in my head to write, but I'll save those posts for another day. Right now, I just want to go to bed and pretend this day never happened. I can't stop crying.